


The world changes, and we change with it.

by SunshineScorpius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Panic Attack, Pre-Slash, Reference To Suicidal Thoughts, honestly I cried writing this, past violent actions discussed, reference to self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 08:09:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21240926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineScorpius/pseuds/SunshineScorpius
Summary: Scorpius has returned from the dark timeline, but he is haunted by the horrors that he's seen and the ones he's committed.





	The world changes, and we change with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for trigger warnings!  
Thanks to Megan (@accioscorp) for letting me use her headcanon about the markings on Scorpius' wand for this fic and intertwining it with my own!

When Scorpius emerged from the lake he wasn’t concerned with the location of his wand. It was usually something that all wizards had the tendency to look for, especially in situations of heightened emotion. But, Scorpius hadn’t even thought about it as he nearly drowned Albus in his attempts at a hug before being pulled out and scolded by his father, Albus’ parents, aunt and uncle, and Professor McGonagall. 

It wasn’t until Albus and Scorpius returned to the Slytherin dormitory that night – after a long, long discussion and scolding from the adults that made Scorpius tiresome – that the thought of his wand crossed his mind. 

He pulled it from his robes and almost immediately dropped it as soon as he caught the sight of it in his hand. It felt wrong. It felt like it would burn him should he hold it any longer. It dropped to the floor with a clatter, the only sound in the quiet dormitory. Albus jumped, looking up from his trunk to Scorpius. 

“You alright, mate?” He asked. Scorpius didn’t look at him. Instead, he looked at the floor where his wand fell, trying his best to suppress dark memories. He stared at the piece of wood on the floor, imagining – remembering – the horrors it had caused. Dark magic had erupted from that wand. Dark magic he didn’t even know he could do until... 

He clearly had that dark side suppressed in him until now. He should have known really, he comes from a long line of dark wizards. His own bloody father was a Death Eater, even if it was against his own will. 

_ “I’ve done bad things," _ he’d said to his father. _ “You’ve done worse.” _

It didn’t matter if they both had done those things to survive. They’d still done them. The world was a murky place, but trust the Malfoys to make it murkier. 

Tears burned behind his eyes, the carvings on his wand becoming blurry. Carvings he’d put there every day, one set of tally marks counting the days without Albus, the other counting the muggle-borns he’d tortured to avoid suspicion. 

That word had fallen from his mouth. Red light had emitted from his wand. Those screams of those kids would haunt him every single day of his life, knowing he hurt them. Knowing they would feel that pain every day. A part of him wished someone would torture him back just so he’d know the pain, so he could feel it, so he could experience how they felt. Maybe then he’d be able to forgive himself for inflicting that pain. 

“Scorpius?” Albus’ voice broke through his haze, and he sniffed back the tears that had begun falling. He finally looked up from his wand to where Albus was sitting on the bed, a look of worry clouding his features. Albus stood and made his way over, carefully picking up Scorpius’ wand from the floor as he did. He tried to hand it to him, but Scorpius shook his head. He observed Scorpius’ wand a little bit, furrowing his brows and said, “these are new? Did you carve these lines?” 

“I don’t want it. Take it away from me, please,” he begged, struggling to get the words out through the lump in his throat. The tears wouldn’t stop falling. Behind his eyes he saw flashes of red over and over, the screams of poor, innocent children as the agony soared through their veins. And then there was his own pain, the cutting feeling that carving on his wand caused. The pain he caused himself to make himself forget about the pain he was causing others. 

When Albus never moved, Scorpius pushed his hand, causing the wand to scuttle to the floor once again and disappear under Albus’ bed. “I don’t want it, Albus. Burn it, break it, hide it,” he took a few shaky breaths. “Just take it away from me.” 

“Why? Scorpius, what’s going on?” 

Scorpius dragged his silver eyes to Albus’ green, tears falling harder when they met. Albus would hate him if he knew. He would never look at him the same again, yet keeping it from him was so incredibly hard. They didn’t keep secrets from each other. Their friendship was built on a foundation of trust, not a throne of lies. 

He took another shaky breath. “Do you think I’m a bad person?” He mumbled, wishing he could somehow break eye contact with Albus but his gaze was too intense. 

When Albus shook his head with more determination than he’d ever seen him put into anything, more tears flowed down his cheeks. His legs could no longer hold him and he crashed to the floor, Albus just about catching him to break it slightly. 

“I did bad things, Albus,” he sobbed, leaning into him and letting his body shake with sobs. Albus held him as tight as he could, a hand in his hair and shushing him quietly. “The world was so dark and I- I- I- I didn’t know what to do,” his speech was broken by heavy breaths, the world around him blurring from his constant tears. 

“You did bad things, that doesn’t make you a bad person. You did what you had to in order to survive,” Albus spoke in a soft voice, soothing him slightly. 

“I wish I didn’t. I- It was awful and t-they didn’t deserve it just like I-” he cut himself off as he pulled himself from Albus, the constricting hug making it harder to breathe. He doubled over, willing with all his might for the air to return to his lungs but it was like the walls were closing in on him. He was drowning, fighting for his life knowing he never deserved it anyway. The water was rushing into his lungs and oxygen was becoming more and more of a luxury every moment. 

There were hands on his cheeks and behind the screams of muggle-borns and the giggles of his classmates, he could hear someone counting. Softly, the numbers came more into focus and he recognised the voice as Albus’, counting in time for Scorpius to breathe to. He followed the instructions, forcing air into his lungs upon Albus’ request and eventually his breathing returned to normal, still only slightly laboured. 

“I don’t deserve to be here after what I did,” Scorpius spoke once he’d finally caught his breath, looking at anywhere but Albus. His eyes found his wand underneath the bed, taunting him, reminding him of all the terrible things he’d done. 

“Be here?” Albus questioned, confusion and worry laced in his tone. 

Scorpius ignored him and crawled across the floor to Albus’ bed, extracting the wand. He looked at it for a moment, running his fingers over the carvings, trying his best to embody the pain it had caused him as he carved each individual one. It was the only thing that got him through it, knowing someway he was harming his magic. He remembered wishing it would stop his ability altogether, a part of him still wished that. 

He stood slowly and turned to Albus, holding the wand out for him. “I don’t want it. Keep it, burn it, snap it or whatever. I don’t want it anymore.” He knew that getting rid of his wand wouldn’t get rid of the memories, but a part of him believed that blaming his actions on his wand somehow dissociated himself from the crime. 

It was foolish thinking, but he was a foolish boy. 

He half-smiled at Albus before climbing into bed and closing his curtains. Sleep would be as much of a luxury as air, but that didn’t mean he didn’t try. He knew before he even closed his eyes that his dreams will be full of red flashing nights, horrible screams and his best friend missing. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, please let me know in the comments!  
Twitter: @sunshinescorp  
Tumblr: @sunshinescorpiusmalfoy


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